My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
