There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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