is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
