woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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