my phone needs a breathalizer
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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