I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
