He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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