If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
