i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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