i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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