I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
