just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
