I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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