I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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