she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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