woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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