I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
