she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
