i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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