Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
