i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
