My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
