I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
