I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
