yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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