He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
