im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
