I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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