Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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