So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
