I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
