I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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