I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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