Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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