I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
