cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
