He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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