Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
