All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
