I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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