We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
