The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
