They should really pass out barf bags in church
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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