im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
