I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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