$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
