One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
