I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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