proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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