I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
