The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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